Terrible Web Ads of the 6-week Lunar Cycle

Hello readers. I'm back. No, I didn't have more server problems. I'm going to let you in on a secret: I'm incredibly lazy. Yes, I am the world's foremost marketing genius, but I'm also probably in the world Top 10 for general laze. I'm like a reverse Thomas Edison. I also have a severe case of Danny Glover Syndrome: I'm gettin too old for this shit. Nevertheless, as many of my "friends" continually remind me, I have a duty to society to uphold. So let's get back to it.

One of my most hated types of advertising is internet advertising. I hate when large ads pop up in front of my weather forecast. I also hate that I now have to sit through 15-30 seconds of drivel that some mouth-breathing, thick-skulled ad wizard "wrote" before I can see my beloved Keyboard Cat videos on Youtube. I hate that Zappos shows me a range of shoes that are very similar to the ones I just bought while I am reading my news - I just bought some new damn shoes! What makes you think that I want to buy more that are very similar or identical? In fact, my hatred of internet advertising is one of the reasons I started this blog in the first place. So, to get myself back on the blogging track, I've dedicated this post to some especially terrible internet ads I've seen floating around lately. Let's begin.

IT HAS BEGUN!!!
Check out this ad for a weight loss product:

Wow, really!? 12 lbs a week!? And all I have to do is carve out part of my intestines with a meat cleaver every Friday? Where do I sign up???????

Here's the first in a long series of ads about doctors and other knowledgeable figures hating things. These types of ads appeal to "discerning" consumers who think that doctors "know what's best for everyone" and "try to tell everyone what to do."

Well, if my dermatologist hates it, that must mean it's a good treatment, right? I mean, the only thing I like more than following doctors' orders is self-applying treatments that I found by clicking internet banners so I can piss off my doctor.

Doctors: full of hatred.
Here's another one:
Take THAT, dermatologists!
Maybe dermatologists don't hate her because she exposed the wrinkles thing - maybe they hate her because she rubs her face with White Out before showing up for her appointment. I mean, have you ever tried to get that stuff off? Am I right, ladies?

And here we have yet another ad about people hating something:

Now I'm beginning to think there was some ad industry convention last year that told everyone that hate is the new modern science. (In fact, there probably was a conference about this. I get invited to be the plenary speaker at so many of these things that I don't even bother opening most of the emails anymore. I need someone to screen these things, but since no one good applied for my summer internship, I guess we'll never know...)

Anyways, what's the one trick to obey to piss off your local insurance agent/doctor? That's right: be an idiot. If you are idiot enough to paint your sports car black and white like a cop car and attach sirens and spotlight, you are probably stupid enough to buy insurance that you found by clicking internet banners.

And speaking of car insurance:

Ok, so this ad isn't really so bad. In fact, it's excellent example of how to target your core demographic. Again, if you are the special type of moron who purchases a car with four front wheels, you are also probably enough of an idiot to purchase a car insurance policy that costs $9. Way to target your core demographic, American Novelty Car, Volcano and Orc Warfare Insurance, LLC. Well played.

And finally, this one is a good example of how not to target your core consumer base:

Really? Groupon expects us to believe that there are good dead horse carrying deals in Columbus, OH? Nice try, ad geniuses. Everyone knows that the best dead horse carrying spots are in Missouri.

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That's all for now. I know many of you have submitted ads over the last couple months, and you're probably wondering what happened to them. Don't worry, I've seen them all, and they are truly, truly terrible. I will get to them in time. In fact, I think I will adjust the parameters of the TRAOTM contest moving forward. Instead of picking just one ad to be the TRAOTM, I will write about various reader-submitted ads, and at the end of the month/lunar cycle/amount of time it takes me to write more than one entry, I will post a poll for you READERS to pick the TRAOTM from all the recent entries. I really do appreciate the support and submissions, and I think this would be a better way to make use of all the wonderful/terrible content. How's that sound?

Terrible Reader Ad of the Month - April 2011 (14 days late)

Hello readers, I'm finally back. I apologize for my lengthy absence and the lack of updates - shit's gotten real here at Advertisements Explained. First of all, the overwhelming feedback (4 comments, an email and 1 drunken text message) from our focus group posts on Dannon Light & Fit nearly destroyed our servers. I definitely appreciate the support and encouragement from our loyal readers, but we had some massive turnover in our IT department trying to fix the problems.

Li Han tries to work out a solution for the servers. He was fired shortly after this photo was taken.

Li Han's replacement works on an algorithm.

Then, just as our servers were coming back online, one of our Pakistan-based funders suddenly just stopped returning our calls and emails. Despite weeks of emails, I've only received one response from venturecapitallaunderingfund@pakistan.gov. I have a feeling my emails just aren't getting through for some reason - not sure what's going on there.

The only response I've received.

However, despite all the problems we've been dealing with, AE is still up and running. My first order of business now that we're back online is to award the Terrible Reader Ad of the Month for April 2011!

This month's award actually goes to two of our loyal readers who submitted ads in the same idiotic genre. The TRAOTM award for April goes to Steph and Amanda, who both submitted ads featuring inept female dog owners talking about their dog food choices. Congratulations!

Steph's ad is from the Cesar Canine Cuisine line of dog food, whose writers apparently think it's normal to serve your dog a brick of meat paste on a plate with two steamed carrots and a bed of lettuce.

For all they do for you? I'm sorry, but when's the last time a dog did something for you that was useful? Isn't most dog training to designed to get them to not do things "for you?" That dead bird they brought in and left behind the TV? The big steamer they left on the carpet? That time he chomped your younger brother's arm so hard that it tore through his snowsuit? Yes, those were "for you." A good dog should know not to try to "do things for you" - it's better off sitting patiently until you get home.

Unless, of course, your dog serves a proxy for your non-existent boyfriend and full-tongue makes out with you when you get home from blogging about your loneliness at the local coffee shop. Then I guess he would deserve two carrots on his plate - just like your perfect boyfriend would get if he were real.

Amanda's ad features a very similar group of idiots complaining about the ingredients in their dogs' food. It is from the Blue Buffalo dog food company:

Why are these women rolling their eyes about the stuff in their old dog food? Did some ninjas sneak in the house and plant it in their pantries? Oh wait, NO. These idiots bought this stuff with their own money then came to dog class to complain about how bad it is and roll their eyes to each other like they are so much better than someone who would buy a bag of IAMS (hint: they're not.) And I won't even get into how insensitive all this eye-rolling is considering the dog class instructor doesn't even seem to have full control of her own eyes. Way to rub it in, ladies. Then, to top it all off, another lady starts making out with her dog again.

And as both submitters pointed out, why even worry about the quality of the ingredient in your dog's food? Most people in third world countries don't get to eat this well. And who the hell washes off chicken, let alone for your dog? While you were over there washing off your chicken, your dog was licking bird poop out of the cracks in the deck. Unless your interests include making out with your dog, you probably don't need to worry so much about what they eat. And if you're one of the women in these ads who do make out with their dog (and why are there only women?), you may want to rethink your priorities.

And finally, as Will Ferrell put it in the SNL ad: "You're a fucking dog."

Dannon Light & Fit Yogurt - Part Two

Welcome back, readers. This is part two of our revealing focus group study on the terrible ad for Dannon Light and Fit Yogurt. If you missed Part One yesterday, be sure to check it out. Let's get back to the action:

Welcome back, everyone. Please make up names for all of the women in the ad.

AJO - (1) Janelle (2) Liz (3) Beth

KT - (1) LaKeysha (2) Zoe (3) Sandra

JamFla (who clearly had been thinking about this for a while) -

(1) The Sassy AA woman – Grace. Grace is your go-to girl for all social events. She has a magnetic laugh and volunteers for Habitat for Humanity. She is the daughter of a single mom and did modeling in middle school to help make ends meet. Her ideal man would be a cross between Sean Patrick Thomas and Taye Diggs.

(2) The Brunette – Carmen. Carmen mostly likely has never held a serious job because she has rich parents who buy her everything. The look on her face tells me she has a few trust issues due to many dysfunctional relationships with emotionally detached men, but is finally opening up to dating again. She's feeling the pressure of bikini season on the horizon.

(3) The Blonde – I had a tougher time with this name choice. If she had been chubbier I would have said Becky.. Out of the 3 she looks like the bitchy one (see her eyebrows @ :07) who is short on the phone to patients at the doctor's office (where she works as a secretary but tells everyone she's an Executive Assistant). She also secretly envies her friends and has a lot of college debt to pay off for her General Studies degree that she got in 6 years, so I'll go with the name Courtney.

Which of the above-named women in the commercial do you most identify with? Which do you dislike the most? Why?

KT - LaKeysha. Clearly Zoe is the outcast. She is trying so hard to fit in, laughing more heartily than necessary, wearing more eye makeup, expressing her "joy" of her yogurt more than the others. I can tell she doesn't really even like the flavor she's eating but LaKeysha made her switch just before they sat down and now Zoe is masking her sadness. When the grocery store runs out of my favorite yogurt flavor I berade my friends until they switch their yogurt with me so that I have the best flavor. It makes me feel more beautiful and powerful. Obviously I don't like Sandra, just look at her, showing off her white tank top tucked into her jeans, what a bitch!

JamFla - Just like Sex and The City, this ad has a perfect match for every girl out there regardless of age, race, shape or size. I identify the most with Carmen, given her likelihood of having Latina roots. I dislike Courtney because she is a blonde, and because she's a total bitch.

AJO - I dislike Liz the most because she she makes weird laughing faces (watch her at 5 seconds). Also she orgasms loudly when eating yogurt. Lastly, she thinks she is so perfect, she doesn't say anything about her clothes not fitting her right. She needs to get REAL!

I like Beth. My pants are too tight too! I can really relate to that!

Why won't the women hold the cups of yogurt with all four fingers at once?

Janelle/LaKeysha/Grace's reckless finger waving almost stabbed out Beth/Sandra/Courtney's eye right after this photo was taken.

JamFla - My guess is the gals all had mani/pedis right before they came to get yogurt, so they don't want to mess up the fresh polish. Their cup-holding posture suggests a subtle yet sensual etiquette of the femme fatale. Men are more confident approaching a woman wearing pastel colors holding a yogurt container like a martini glass with her chest looking perky and legs crossed effortlessly, rather than a sweaty she-beast in a softball uniform who looks like she's riding the pine with a burly-knuckled fist wrapped tightly around a pint. It's just too bad Dannon L&F doesn't make appletini-flavored yogurt, am I right? LOL!

KT - They fear that if they grip the cups with their entire hand the flimsy plastic will squirt the yogurt all over the other ladies faces and start a huge cat fight over who's yogurt caused a permanent stain on the other's shirt. Plus the daily yogurt party is clearly a substitute for afternoon coffee and holding the yogurt with fewer fingers reminds them of sipping out of a coffee cup.

AJO - Maybe they are drying their nails that they just got done? Or Maybe one of them is missing a finger and they don't want the other one to feel bad?

How did this commercial change your opinion towards Dannon yogurt? Towards women?

AJO - Dannon is stupid. Especially if they think women bring yogurt to the mall and eat it together and talk like that.

Most women I know hate this commercial, so it makes me proud of women! I can't blame the actors because as you know, work is work.

KT - It makes me feel like Dannon is taking a page out of the Kotex handbook and really showing women what it means to be a woman. It makes me think that all women watching their afternoon stories believe this is the only way to enjoy dairy. It makes me sad for all these women because they forget that there is also laughing cow cheese, skinny cow ice cream, and almond breeze almond milk or even silk milk substitute. I just don't think we all realize how many dairy or dairy-like options are out there. This commercial is really progressing the woman's movement by empowering women to choose to eat 20 less calories a day and put a big dent into the obesity crisis facing America. Way to go Dannon.

JamFla - I wasn't a yogurt-eater prior to seeing this commercial. Seeing this ad tells me a number of things right off the bat: 1) I could afford to be more carefree and sassier with my girlfriends. 2) Dannon yogurt understands the day-in and day-out lives of all women. If you're young and trendy, choose Light & Fit. Your pants will fit better and your self esteem will shoot through the roof! But - if you're over 40, Jamie Lee Curtis speed-walks while advocating being "regular" with Activia. 3) By eating Dannon yogurt light and fit, I can drop pants sizes faster than Courtney gets on her knees.

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Well, there you have it, readers - a truly terrible Dannon Yogurt ad that eats away at the soul of American society. Special thanks go out to our focus group members JamFla, KT and AJO for their participation. Be sure to check out their blogs for further reading enjoyment. And you can join in the action at home, too - just leave your opinions and feedback in the comments section below.

And finally, there is only one week left in our Terrible Reader Ad of the Month competition for April! Get your submissions in soon!

Dannon Light & Fit Yogurt - Terrible Ad of the Week

Hello, readers. This week's Terrible Ad of the Week is truly something special. It comes to us from Dannon Light and Fit Yogurt, which, as we will see, is yogurt geared directly towards the Sex & the City crowd. You've probably seen this ad or one of its inbred, spawn-of-darkest-hell cousins on TV in the last couple years, but here it is just in case:

Our loyal reader JamFla actually submitted this ad as a TRAOTM submission, but when I saw it, I knew we were dealing with something truly abominable. You see, readers, I may be the world's foremost expert in advertising and marketing, but in the ways of women, I'm probably only among the top 10-15 experts in the world - hardly something to brag about. So, this week, I've called in some help from my female friends to help me break down this terrible ad. That's right, readers, it's the first ever Advertisements Explained Reader Focus Group!

Our Focus Group members are all avid Sex and the City watchers and yogurt enthusiasts, so they can provide us with piercing insights into the inner working of this ad. Here is our panel of experts:

I tried to color-code their responses below, but Blogger is being a real B.

Earlier this week, I asked each panel member to view the ad (they signed waivers first, obviously) then asked them a series of questions about the ad. In today's entry, we'll get to know our panelists and their experiences with yogurt, and tomorrow we'll delve into their feelings about the ad itself. Enjoy the first half of the interview below, and be sure to check back tomorrow for Part Two!

Editor's note - Part Two is now available here.

Hi, panelists. Thanks for joining us.

JamFla - Good to be here.

AJO - Thanks for having us.

KT - Hi, Dan.

Let's get started. What do you talk about with your friends when you have yogurt parties?

JamFla -

Oh you know, the usual – the exhausting symptoms of PMS, juggling work with a booked social calendar, George Clooney, Jennifer Wiener books, which shoe tones the best (Sketcher, for the record), cosmopolitans, arranging a girls "carb night in" where we watch Katherine Heigl RomComs and drink Moscato di Asti, a man's inability to commit (or put the toilet seat down! LOL), wax jobs that didn't go well, Yaz birth control.

AJO -

My friends and I talk about how amazingly good the yogurt is of course! Also about clothes, make up, and boys (giggle giggle). We talk about chocolate, swimsuit season and how fat we think we are. Actually I think this a trick question; I don't eat yogurt with my friends, I eat it alone at work at my desk while reading my Gmail....

KT -

How saving 20 calories by making the right yogurt choice really saves the entire day (and leaves plenty more calories for the bottles of wine we'll consume later that night in order to forget how horrible our lives really are.)

Please describe how eating yogurt with your friends makes you feel (for example: finding clothes that fit good, burning this dress good, etc.):

KT -

When I eat yogurt with my friends and cheers the yogurt cups it reminds me that the day my clothes fit well has long since passed and the only thing I'll be doing for the next 40 years is regretting all the full fat yogurt cups I ate in my teens and twenties. Those extra 20 calories per morning yogurt cup really f-ed me over.

JamFla -

I think eating low-cal yogurt with my girlfriends gives us a strong connection on both an emotional and physical level – I mean – it's almost like being on the same menses cycle! We all love yogurt, we all love being thin, we all love getting attention in public when we laugh, and we definitely all love something low-cal!

AJO -

Binging on Chocolate during a PMS Rage Good! Fitting my fat ass into Spanx good! Watching a marathon of the Big C followed by a marathon of Private Practice good! Naming my boyfriend pillow after McDreamy good! Only having to shave my legs once a month good! Realizing I am just as fabulous as Carrie Bradshaw good! Being a good lady driver good!

Well, there you have it. Check back tomorrow for Part Two of our exciting focus group! Dannon Light and Fit will get torn to shreds, just like your insides after eating Dannon Light and Fit!

Continue to Part Two!

Starbucks Drive Thru Reader Challenge - Part 2

For last week's Terrible Ad of the Week, you may remember that I posted a picture of some terrible advertising from the Starbucks Drive Thru and challenged readers to point out the problems with it. Today, I am happy to report that I received 0 total responses from the challenge. Clearly, the Advertisements Explained server was not equipped to handle the overwhelming volume of responses from my legions of readers.

My IT support staff worked on the problem all weekend.

So, what exactly is wrong with the Starbucks advertising? Well, loyal readers, Starbucks thinks we are all idiots.

Apparently someone over in the Starbucks marketing department heard that "going green" was cool now, so they decided to put some signs up in the drive thru to let everyone know how hip and progressive they are. And to make sure that everyone knows how hip they are all the time, they mounted three incandescent light fixtures outside to light up the signs...and left them on during the day.

I had to adjust the shutter settings for this picture to account for all the extra light.

Really, Starbucks? You're "committed to minimizing our environmental footprint" but you can't remember to train your skilled baristas to turn off the outdoor lighting during the daytime? Or maybe you're more committed to making money and seeming cool than actually tackling environmental problems.

This "environmental" marketing is like the Sunchips Eco-bag fiasco all over again, except that instead of finding out that people are stupid through marketing trial and error, Starbucks just went ahead and assumed everyone was stupid from the get go. Don't stand for this, discerning consumers!

Of course, the most discerning of you will say, "But Dan, why were you in the Starbucks drive thru to begin with? Did you have a lapse in your normally infallible marketing judgement?" The answer? Market research. To combat terrible ads and marketing ploys, I have to get out there and tackle the worst offenders so you don't have to. With great power comes great responsibility.

I also like iced hazelnut lattes.

Starbucks Drive Thru (Reader Challenge!) - Terrible Ad of the Week / News and updates

Hello readers and discerning consumers! It's April 15 - did you pay your taxes today? If you did, you are clearly not a marketing genius like me.

Let me fill you in on a little secret: as a marketing genius, I have found that I acquire wealth faster by not paying my taxes. In fact, the quickest way to see a 10% - 20% increase in your wealth within one year is to not pay your taxes or make any contributions to social security. There are many ways to do this. You might hide your money in a mattress or deposit it in an off-shore account in the Caymans. Or, for a fraction of the cost of real currency, you could print your own fake money and send that to the IRS. Me? I prefer laundering my income through a certain "non-profit" internet blog. There are literally no rules in the economic jungle.
My personal finance model - for educational purposes only
Speaking of deadlines, there are only 15 more days left in April for you to submit an ad for the Terrible Reader Ad of the Month! (How's that for you, Jamfla?) Who will it be? What terrible ad will torture us this time? Why hasn't anyone submitted an ad since last month? You can submit your ads here, and you can check out last month's TRAOTM here. Don't miss your chance to be part of the greatest marketing blog of ALL TIME.*

At this point, many of you regular readers are probably saying "Wait, where in the hell is the Terrible Ad of the Week?" and "Why does Dan appear to be phoning it in this week?" Well, loyal readers, I'm phoning it in because I'm working on an extra special project for next week's entry. It's going to be revolutionary, so don't miss it.

But don't think that I'm going to leave you hanging without a terrible ad this week. In fact, I have a special challenge that will test your discerning consumer skills to the core. I now present you with the Advertisements Explained Terrible Ad of the Week Reader Challenge!

A couple weeks ago, I snapped this picture of some terrible marketing in the Starbucks Drive Thru:

Click on the picture to see the big version

Using the array of discerning consumer skills that you've no doubt developed as a reader of this blog, do the following:

1. Analyze this Starbucks advertising and find everything that is wrong with it.
2. Post your observations in the comments section below.
3. Wait attentively.

Later this week, I will return like Gandalf charging down the hill to Helm's Deep at dawn on the third day and post my own observations (or the answers, if you will) to this Starbucks marketing debacle. In the meantime, I will be working on the special project for next week.

Good luck readers!

* This claim is based on the fact that someone found my blog last week by Googling the terms "world's greatest marketing genius" - thank you, Google Analytics, for telling me what everyone already knows.

Terrible Ad of the Week - Nintendo DS Jam Sessions

Hello readers! It's only been a week since my last entry, but it feels like a lot longer. My bowling league ended last week, and to be honest, it feels like I'm adrift in a timeless purgatory. Lost without purpose. But, there are still terrible ads out there plaguing our society, so I can't rest. With great marketing genius comes great responsibility.

This week's Terrible Ad of the Week comes to us from the Nintendo DS game Jam Sessions. Jam Sessions is a game where you pretend to play guitar while you sit around with your friends and sing along. "Wait," you say, "isn't that like Guitar Hero?" Well, you would be correct, except that Jam Sessions is not at all fun or challenging and is like Guitar Hero for people that have no fingers.

I'm going to show you the ad for explanatory purposes, but please try refrain from clawing out your eyes and ears before the ad is over.*



As you can see, the main object of Jam Sessions is to wave your hand back and forth over the Nintendo DS while your lame friends mercilessly butcher songs that would otherwise be enjoyable. Yes, that's right, you just wave your hand over the DS. No finger, no buttons. Just waving.

So, according to this ad, Nintendo and Ubisoft want you to pay real money for a game that you could also play with the DS turned OFF. Or without a DS at all. Here's a hot consumer tip for you parents out there in case your kid wants this pile of crap game:

1. Drive your child to Best Buy or Gamestop.
2. Walk around behind the store.
3. Pick up a piece of trash that's lying around.
4. Give it to your child and tell them that it's the new version of Jam Sessions.
5. Watch your child get beat up as they play Jam Sessions and sing aloud on the bus.

Jam Sessions: Greasy Pizza Box and the new Mossy Rock: Limited Edition.

Besides the product itself, the other truly terrible element of this ad is the "music." The song that the kids are "singing" is Santeria, by the So-Cal band Sublime. And not only have they used a Sublime song in the ad; they've used the most PG, families-first snippet of Sublime's most radio-friendly hit to sell their shitty product. Not cool, Nintendo.

If you're going to use an awesome band like Sublime in your ad, you have to go all out - none of this pussyfooting Top-40 PC stuff. I used my marketing prowess to design some alternate storyboards that feature Sublime's more representative work, while still featuring the singalong group of friends vibe:

I sent these storyboards to Nintendo as pro bono gesture to the inept marketing department that came up with this one, but I have yet to hear back.

And while this ad is truly terrible to the core, there is one part I do like. That's the final slogan: Say hello to your new guitar. I like this slogan because it gives me something to scream at Jam Sessions ad executives right before I punch them in the face.

*DISCLAIMER: Advertisements Explained is not responsible for any personal harm or property damage that results from watching this ad.

**Editor's note: Why is there a surfboard on the bus?

Terrible Reader Ad of the Month - World's Best Cat Litter

Hello readers! Can you believe that you've already been reading Advertisements Explained for a month now? It seems like just yesterday that I launched this site and turned the advertising world on its head. In that short time, Advertisements Explained has had over 700 page views, and I've received lots of great feedback from discerning consumers like yourselves. Can't you just feel your quality of life improving with your newfound marketing insights? (Let us know how your life has improved in the Comments section below.)

Of course, this also means that it's time to announce our first ever Terrible Reader Ad of the Month! Many of you submitted terrible ads this month, and choosing the most terrible of these was no easy feat. However, because I am a marketing genius, I was able to narrow it down to one truly terrible, terrible ad that really scrapes the bottom of the marketing barrel.

The ad is for a product called World's Best Cat Litter, and it was submitted by our loyal reader and discerning consumer Freda. I would try to describe it myself, but Freda pretty much said it best in her description of the ad:

"People smelling cat pee. Sick."

So, without further adieu, the Terrible Reader Ad of the Month for March 2011:

As you can see, the marketing strategy over at World's Best Cat Litter is to sell the product with the World's Worst Advertising. I think the real marketing genius here is whoever convinced these people to sniff vials of cat urine and put cat litter in their mouths. From one marketing genius to another, bravo World's Best Cat Litter!

And congratulations to Freda on winning the inaugural Terrible Reader Ad of the Month competition! If you haven't submitted a terrible ad yet, you can do so 24/7 by using the Submit an Ad form above. And if you submitted an ad last month, don't worry, you're still in the running for next month's competition.

Until next time, keep your discerning eyes peeled for terrible ads, and keep reading Advertisements Explained for the worst ads and the hottest marketing insights!

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups - Terrible Ad of the Week March Madness!

Hello discerning consumers! In honor of March Madness and terrible, terrible marketing campaigns, I present you with the Terrible Ad of March Madness!

The TAOMM comes to us from Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I remember seeing this ad last year during the tournament, and it's reared its ugly head again this year. The ad features an NCAA-style tournament involving 16 dessert ingredients. You can view the ad here: http://www.ncaa.com/perfectplay#reeses-final-four-ads-2.

As you can see, the ad gives a quick, stylized rundown of the bracket before pausing on the final showdown between Chocolate and Peanut Butter. You might think that the stylized cuts and fades are to make the ad look fast-paced and exciting. In reality, the ad glosses over the bracket to cover up the terrible seeding and subsequent tournament results that the NCAA (National Candy Athletic Association) put together.

I mean, who even picked the teams for this tournament? Since the ad is so "gritty" and "slick" and skips over basically the entire bracket, I made an easy to read version so you can see all the teams:

As a marketing genius, I become irate when I watch this ad. I can't even begin to communicate my problems with this ad in paragraph form, so here's a list:

1. How in the hell did they determine the seeding in this bracket? I mean, Caramel's a #3 seed, and Peanut Butter's a #2, and somehow Almonds and Raisins get the top spots? The other nuts, Walnut and Pecan, are both #3 seeds. And we don't even know if Caramel won a game, but Raisins made it to the Final Four!?! (This Raisins thing really pisses me off - I will return to this later.)
2. Most of the ingredients are basic elements of dessert: Chocolate, Vanilla, Mint, Cream, Raisins (seriously?), Coconut, etc. Then there's Cookies. Who the hell thought Cookies should be in the same list as these other ingredients? That's like asking which periodic element is best: carbon, silicon, oxygen, or the personal computer. Pretzel's really on thin ice, too.
3. Cream?
4. Why are only some nuts pluralized? This thing reads like a menu at a Chinese restaurant.

I could go on and on with this list, but my real problem is with Raisins. Raisins probably only got into this tournament in the first place because they play in the same shitty conference as black licorice, Chocolate Skittles and Werther's Originals.

Chocolate Skittles: The Youngstown State Men's Basketball of desserts

I already mentioned Raisins' terrible seeding, but it's beyond me how they even managed to get to the final four in this tournament. I mean, Raisins over Mint? The only person who would pick that in their office bracket is the annoying sweaty guy that everyone already hates.

Bottom line is, no one really likes Raisins that much. I think Reese's wants us to believe that Raisins are the hot mid-major underdogs with hearts of gold. Give me a break.

I think a better explanation for this ad is that Reese's has some really lazy ad writers. Here's what probably went down in the marketing meeting for this steamer:

Ad exec 1: Hey I read in Douche Quarterly that basketball is popular in March. Let's slap together a bracket and have PB and Chocolate be the teams. [Draws a storyboard]

Ad exec 2: [Indiscernible grunting.] Yeah, yeah, good. Put foods in there.

Ad exec 1: Shit, it's almost lunch time. How do we wrap this one up?

Ad exec 2: Uhhh....How about "It's okay to choose both?"

Ad exec 1: Clutch bro! Lunch time! I'll totally rock-paper-scissors your for that last box of raisins!

Ad exec 2: [Excited grunting]

Come on Reese's, did you really think you could slip this one past the discerning consumers who read this blog? And speaking of our loyal readers, who did you have in your dessert brackets?

Submit an Ad

Hello, readers! Lately, many of you have been approaching me in the street and sending me large amounts of email. You all say "Dan, we can already see the changes in our lives thanks to your blog!" Indeed, many of you are already becoming discerning consumers with a keen eye for terrible advertising. I could not be more excited about this!

Now that so many of you are out there using your marketing insights to rip apart terrible ads, I'm getting more and more recommendations on ads and commercials to feature in Advertisements Explained. However, other than stalking me at my home or flooding my inbox with suggestions, there hasn't been an easy way to contact me and suggest an ad for the blog. Just look at this reader trying to suggest an ad last week:

Well, no longer! Today, I'm proud to announce a new feature on Advertisements Explained: the Submit an Ad page! Just click on the Submit an Ad tab above to have your voice heard here at the Advertisements Explained offices.

Did you see a terrible advertisement that you think I should feature? Tell me about it! Maybe you'd like to see a new feature on the blog, like some pop up ads or flashing lights. Or maybe you'd like to apply for our competitive summer internship.* Either way, the Submit an Ad page gives you the opportunity to contribute to the great work we're doing here.

Also, as an added bonus, one reader submission will be chosen each month as our Reader Ad of the Month! Not only will your submission be forever cemented in the Advertisements Explained archives, but your name and blog address will be viewed by thousands† of readers worldwide. Eternal fame and glory will be yours!

I'm looking forward to reading your submissions, so keep your discerning eye peeled for terrible ads, and use the Submit an Ad page often!

*Now accepting applications. 2.8 GPA required, must provide own transportation. Must be good at not fucking up Starbucks orders and getting pizzas. Owning your own X-box 360 controller preferred.

†Actual number of readers may vary.

Charmin Toilet Paper - Terrible Ad of the Week

Today's terrible advertisement comes to us from Charmin and their "Ultra Strong" line of toilet paper. Charmin is very proud of the fact that their product does not leave ass crumbs, and this fact is prominently displayed throughout this ad:

As you can see in this commercial, bear society is guided by three main tenets:

1) Live freely in nature, with minimal possessions.

2) Care for your children, and teach them the ways of bear society.

3) NO ASS CRUMBS.

This ad wants us to believe that bears are ashamed of ass crumbs and put their children through rigorous inspections until they learn to follow the third tenet of bear society.

"I have dishonored my family! I am so shameful!"

This, of course, could not be further from the truth. Bears are shameless creatures that do as they please and do not give a rat's ass about anything. Do you think the bears in these pictures care if they have bits of toilet paper stuck to them? No! They are badasses!

The fact is, bears tear through picnic sites, eat out of garbage containers and get arrested without hesitation. Charmin, on the other hand, wants us to believe in a whimsical world where bears playfully submit to family ass crumb inspections, all in the name of selling toilet paper. Don't buy into these lies. Charmin doesn't think people are smart enough to understand what "stronger" toilet paper refers to, so they propagate these deceitful fantasy worlds, disrespecting all bears in the process. They could take a big step in the right direction by ditching these playful ass crumb bears and instead making ads that say what they mean and portray real bears doing real bear stuff:

Discerning consumers everywhere will thank you, Charmin.

Pomegranate Juice - Terrible Ad of the Week

This week's terrible advertisement comes to us from POM Wonderful Pomegranate Juice. This ad has it all: mild nudity, a snake, religious imagery, pictures of the product, color effects, a deep-voiced announcer, and, most importantly, it doesn't make any sense. Here's the ad in case you haven't seen it:

Everyone knows that sex sells. The marketing secret here is that hyper-sexualized religious imagery really sells. (Write that in your notebook.) When you see sexy models in a beer ad, you want to go out, have some Bud Lights and be a cool party guy or girl. When you see the devil crawling on Eve in a POM ad, you want to pound a $7 bottle of pomegranate juice, rip off your clothes and condemn all of mankind to an eternity of sin. Which would you rather drink? Exactly.

The real problem with this ad isn't the imagery or the religious context. It's the claim they make at the end: "...has the juice of four whole pomegranates and is backed by modern science."

Really? The juice is backed by modern science? Wow, that's really something! Does that mean that the juice is a liquid and usually takes the shape of its container? Or maybe it contains anti-oxidants that help negate free radicals in the body? And, if this modern science thing is really a benefit of this product, then why did you just spend the previous 20 seconds marketing the juice based on the pomegranate's important role in a CREATIONIST STORY FROM THE BIBLE involving a people made from clay and bone and the devil disguised as a snake?

Whatever it means, it's a pretty meaningless claim. Consider the following chart:

As you can see above, POM Wonderful, Sunny Delight, and a rock are all "backed by modern science." Sunny Delight is terrible for you, and a rock isn't food. So what exactly are these POM people trying to tell us with this ad?

Maybe they were trying to focus on the "modern" part of "modern science." I guess when you consider the alternatives presented throughout history, modern science would be a decent selling point by comparison:

Still, I'm not impressed by this POM ad. I think a far more effective marketing claim would be that a product ISN'T backed by modern science. As in a miracle compound that violates the general principles of the time/space continuum, or a mythical nectar gifted to the POM Wonderful Corporation by the Norse god Odin.

Portal to Hell Pineapple Juice: Scientists have no f*cking clue!

Now that's something worth buying. Modern science and man's expulsion from the Garden of Eden? Please. Hopefully the marketers at POM Wonderful will take note and bring us some real mind-bending juice next time. Until then, don't let them dupe you with meaningless claims that try to sound science-y!

Welcome to Advertisements Explained

Welcome to Advertisements Explained. My name is Dan. This blog is dedicated to analyzing and reviewing advertisements and other marketing materials. It's for discerning consumers - people like you who only want to watch, read and listen to the best ads available. It's also for morons - people who have trouble understanding the fast-paced world of marketing and might otherwise be duped by stupid advertisements.

There are a lot of ads and commercials out there today - why waste your time watching another terrible one? Read Advertisements Explained for revelatory insights into today's hottest ads, as well as the classics from yesteryear. The insights I'm offering here will CHANGE. YOUR. LIFE. I used to only share my insights and analyses with my wife. She thought they were so great that she couldn't bear the burden of keeping them to herself anymore. So guess what? Now I'm here to let you in on my secrets. Don't be afraid. Read Advertisements Explained, and soon you'll be impressing friends and romantic partners while peering down at them through your crystal monocle.

We're just getting off the ground here at Advertisements Explained, and we're glad to have you with us.

- Dan M.

Founder and CEO, Advertisements Explained