Reese's Peanut Butter Cups - Terrible Ad of the Week March Madness!

Hello discerning consumers! In honor of March Madness and terrible, terrible marketing campaigns, I present you with the Terrible Ad of March Madness!

The TAOMM comes to us from Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I remember seeing this ad last year during the tournament, and it's reared its ugly head again this year. The ad features an NCAA-style tournament involving 16 dessert ingredients. You can view the ad here: http://www.ncaa.com/perfectplay#reeses-final-four-ads-2.

As you can see, the ad gives a quick, stylized rundown of the bracket before pausing on the final showdown between Chocolate and Peanut Butter. You might think that the stylized cuts and fades are to make the ad look fast-paced and exciting. In reality, the ad glosses over the bracket to cover up the terrible seeding and subsequent tournament results that the NCAA (National Candy Athletic Association) put together.

I mean, who even picked the teams for this tournament? Since the ad is so "gritty" and "slick" and skips over basically the entire bracket, I made an easy to read version so you can see all the teams:

As a marketing genius, I become irate when I watch this ad. I can't even begin to communicate my problems with this ad in paragraph form, so here's a list:

1. How in the hell did they determine the seeding in this bracket? I mean, Caramel's a #3 seed, and Peanut Butter's a #2, and somehow Almonds and Raisins get the top spots? The other nuts, Walnut and Pecan, are both #3 seeds. And we don't even know if Caramel won a game, but Raisins made it to the Final Four!?! (This Raisins thing really pisses me off - I will return to this later.)
2. Most of the ingredients are basic elements of dessert: Chocolate, Vanilla, Mint, Cream, Raisins (seriously?), Coconut, etc. Then there's Cookies. Who the hell thought Cookies should be in the same list as these other ingredients? That's like asking which periodic element is best: carbon, silicon, oxygen, or the personal computer. Pretzel's really on thin ice, too.
3. Cream?
4. Why are only some nuts pluralized? This thing reads like a menu at a Chinese restaurant.

I could go on and on with this list, but my real problem is with Raisins. Raisins probably only got into this tournament in the first place because they play in the same shitty conference as black licorice, Chocolate Skittles and Werther's Originals.

Chocolate Skittles: The Youngstown State Men's Basketball of desserts

I already mentioned Raisins' terrible seeding, but it's beyond me how they even managed to get to the final four in this tournament. I mean, Raisins over Mint? The only person who would pick that in their office bracket is the annoying sweaty guy that everyone already hates.

Bottom line is, no one really likes Raisins that much. I think Reese's wants us to believe that Raisins are the hot mid-major underdogs with hearts of gold. Give me a break.

I think a better explanation for this ad is that Reese's has some really lazy ad writers. Here's what probably went down in the marketing meeting for this steamer:

Ad exec 1: Hey I read in Douche Quarterly that basketball is popular in March. Let's slap together a bracket and have PB and Chocolate be the teams. [Draws a storyboard]

Ad exec 2: [Indiscernible grunting.] Yeah, yeah, good. Put foods in there.

Ad exec 1: Shit, it's almost lunch time. How do we wrap this one up?

Ad exec 2: Uhhh....How about "It's okay to choose both?"

Ad exec 1: Clutch bro! Lunch time! I'll totally rock-paper-scissors your for that last box of raisins!

Ad exec 2: [Excited grunting]

Come on Reese's, did you really think you could slip this one past the discerning consumers who read this blog? And speaking of our loyal readers, who did you have in your dessert brackets?

Submit an Ad

Hello, readers! Lately, many of you have been approaching me in the street and sending me large amounts of email. You all say "Dan, we can already see the changes in our lives thanks to your blog!" Indeed, many of you are already becoming discerning consumers with a keen eye for terrible advertising. I could not be more excited about this!

Now that so many of you are out there using your marketing insights to rip apart terrible ads, I'm getting more and more recommendations on ads and commercials to feature in Advertisements Explained. However, other than stalking me at my home or flooding my inbox with suggestions, there hasn't been an easy way to contact me and suggest an ad for the blog. Just look at this reader trying to suggest an ad last week:

Well, no longer! Today, I'm proud to announce a new feature on Advertisements Explained: the Submit an Ad page! Just click on the Submit an Ad tab above to have your voice heard here at the Advertisements Explained offices.

Did you see a terrible advertisement that you think I should feature? Tell me about it! Maybe you'd like to see a new feature on the blog, like some pop up ads or flashing lights. Or maybe you'd like to apply for our competitive summer internship.* Either way, the Submit an Ad page gives you the opportunity to contribute to the great work we're doing here.

Also, as an added bonus, one reader submission will be chosen each month as our Reader Ad of the Month! Not only will your submission be forever cemented in the Advertisements Explained archives, but your name and blog address will be viewed by thousands† of readers worldwide. Eternal fame and glory will be yours!

I'm looking forward to reading your submissions, so keep your discerning eye peeled for terrible ads, and use the Submit an Ad page often!

*Now accepting applications. 2.8 GPA required, must provide own transportation. Must be good at not fucking up Starbucks orders and getting pizzas. Owning your own X-box 360 controller preferred.

†Actual number of readers may vary.

Charmin Toilet Paper - Terrible Ad of the Week

Today's terrible advertisement comes to us from Charmin and their "Ultra Strong" line of toilet paper. Charmin is very proud of the fact that their product does not leave ass crumbs, and this fact is prominently displayed throughout this ad:

As you can see in this commercial, bear society is guided by three main tenets:

1) Live freely in nature, with minimal possessions.

2) Care for your children, and teach them the ways of bear society.

3) NO ASS CRUMBS.

This ad wants us to believe that bears are ashamed of ass crumbs and put their children through rigorous inspections until they learn to follow the third tenet of bear society.

"I have dishonored my family! I am so shameful!"

This, of course, could not be further from the truth. Bears are shameless creatures that do as they please and do not give a rat's ass about anything. Do you think the bears in these pictures care if they have bits of toilet paper stuck to them? No! They are badasses!

The fact is, bears tear through picnic sites, eat out of garbage containers and get arrested without hesitation. Charmin, on the other hand, wants us to believe in a whimsical world where bears playfully submit to family ass crumb inspections, all in the name of selling toilet paper. Don't buy into these lies. Charmin doesn't think people are smart enough to understand what "stronger" toilet paper refers to, so they propagate these deceitful fantasy worlds, disrespecting all bears in the process. They could take a big step in the right direction by ditching these playful ass crumb bears and instead making ads that say what they mean and portray real bears doing real bear stuff:

Discerning consumers everywhere will thank you, Charmin.

Pomegranate Juice - Terrible Ad of the Week

This week's terrible advertisement comes to us from POM Wonderful Pomegranate Juice. This ad has it all: mild nudity, a snake, religious imagery, pictures of the product, color effects, a deep-voiced announcer, and, most importantly, it doesn't make any sense. Here's the ad in case you haven't seen it:

Everyone knows that sex sells. The marketing secret here is that hyper-sexualized religious imagery really sells. (Write that in your notebook.) When you see sexy models in a beer ad, you want to go out, have some Bud Lights and be a cool party guy or girl. When you see the devil crawling on Eve in a POM ad, you want to pound a $7 bottle of pomegranate juice, rip off your clothes and condemn all of mankind to an eternity of sin. Which would you rather drink? Exactly.

The real problem with this ad isn't the imagery or the religious context. It's the claim they make at the end: "...has the juice of four whole pomegranates and is backed by modern science."

Really? The juice is backed by modern science? Wow, that's really something! Does that mean that the juice is a liquid and usually takes the shape of its container? Or maybe it contains anti-oxidants that help negate free radicals in the body? And, if this modern science thing is really a benefit of this product, then why did you just spend the previous 20 seconds marketing the juice based on the pomegranate's important role in a CREATIONIST STORY FROM THE BIBLE involving a people made from clay and bone and the devil disguised as a snake?

Whatever it means, it's a pretty meaningless claim. Consider the following chart:

As you can see above, POM Wonderful, Sunny Delight, and a rock are all "backed by modern science." Sunny Delight is terrible for you, and a rock isn't food. So what exactly are these POM people trying to tell us with this ad?

Maybe they were trying to focus on the "modern" part of "modern science." I guess when you consider the alternatives presented throughout history, modern science would be a decent selling point by comparison:

Still, I'm not impressed by this POM ad. I think a far more effective marketing claim would be that a product ISN'T backed by modern science. As in a miracle compound that violates the general principles of the time/space continuum, or a mythical nectar gifted to the POM Wonderful Corporation by the Norse god Odin.

Portal to Hell Pineapple Juice: Scientists have no f*cking clue!

Now that's something worth buying. Modern science and man's expulsion from the Garden of Eden? Please. Hopefully the marketers at POM Wonderful will take note and bring us some real mind-bending juice next time. Until then, don't let them dupe you with meaningless claims that try to sound science-y!

Welcome to Advertisements Explained

Welcome to Advertisements Explained. My name is Dan. This blog is dedicated to analyzing and reviewing advertisements and other marketing materials. It's for discerning consumers - people like you who only want to watch, read and listen to the best ads available. It's also for morons - people who have trouble understanding the fast-paced world of marketing and might otherwise be duped by stupid advertisements.

There are a lot of ads and commercials out there today - why waste your time watching another terrible one? Read Advertisements Explained for revelatory insights into today's hottest ads, as well as the classics from yesteryear. The insights I'm offering here will CHANGE. YOUR. LIFE. I used to only share my insights and analyses with my wife. She thought they were so great that she couldn't bear the burden of keeping them to herself anymore. So guess what? Now I'm here to let you in on my secrets. Don't be afraid. Read Advertisements Explained, and soon you'll be impressing friends and romantic partners while peering down at them through your crystal monocle.

We're just getting off the ground here at Advertisements Explained, and we're glad to have you with us.

- Dan M.

Founder and CEO, Advertisements Explained